Doorway to Jensen

In more ways than one. I still can’t get the most unimportant, but yet one of the most important things to me, out of my head. It’s killing me. It’s something I promised would never hurt. Yet it still is starting to take over my mind. I don’t know what will stop it. I can’t honestly think of it. I just have to grow up, or it will drive me crazy my entire life. I’m in love. I know that much, but I’m seeing the other side of love. When love is truly long lasting. Then what? You have each other, but where do you go? When you quit fearing the loss, then you start worrying about the future and the long time that is ahead. Not just the years I know it would take for us to get married and financially secure. But also the years till death. Marriage is just so unlikely these days. I miss the simpler times. I honestly just want to die young. Being in love is either too long to last, which is rare, or too short to enjoy without it hurting. Out of all of this, the most important thing I’ve said is that I’m in love. And when you give up on love you might as well die, and as the saying goes, “You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone.” I don’t feel like having that realization. I’ve only broken one heart before, I’ll keep it at that. If my hearts to be broken then so be it, but till then, I’m staying true and keeping my promises. 
 

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my past. Even the most recent. There are a few things I wish I had done, and a lot I have done now, but still wish I had done before. There are also many things I wish knew how to do today. I have to repeat most of my Senior year to stupidity and sickness, stupidity in the sense that I just did stupid things. I’m rather bright when I apply myself. I also wish I had actually taken the time to learn how to drive. Yet the most common things people regret is of love and typically the lack there of. As of right now I’m in love, the girl I’m with has changed me for the better. I fear though that its all just another romance that will fade. I’m 19, shes 15, and young love is so frowned upon. Even more so considering the gap. However, I’m a gentleman, and I have no ulterior motives. I still fear loss. I even feel myself fearing falling out of love, its never something that’s happened to me before. I imagine myself just taking too much of a good thing, but there are other feelings that just pile up that I shant go into. I still regret a lost love, and a lost, whatever it was. Not nearly as worth my time as this love, but still its a shame to see people so helpless and blind. I wish people would look to their past and see who was actually in their lives at a point in time and regret. Regret isn’t just a bad feeling, its a moment of realization and truth in some circumstances. Yes it hurts, but when the two people regret missing such a chance. It disgusts them a little less.

One of the most important ways to discover a persons true persona is to take them out of their element.

Unless its Alex Jensen. In which hes always f***ing awkward.

The end.

As an opener I’d like to say the reasons for this and a disclaimer. This is not meant in any way to prove wrong or right about god’s existence. There will be opinions here, good or bad take them as you wish, but I have my reasons for them.

I will keep it clean here and there will be no names, nor is this directed to anyone, I just feel like a good rant.

To begin I will start on a broad subject. Life seems cruel correct? It’s harsh and everyone that is a teenager, perhaps at least 18 or older has a grasp of what life can throw at you. Many become deppresed whether from personal, household or issues with your peers. This can lead to feeling empty and complelety lost. Perhaps you have felt this way? The loss of a loved one, the loss of a lover. Anything can triger this feeling of hopelessness, even if it only lasts a day or a month or a year.

What gets you out of this? Psychiatry? A friend? A parent? Your religion? Maybe.

But there is something more there, something else beyond and at the end of all of that. Hope.

Hope is what ties everything together, hope is the absolute, unprovable and non-disproveable factor in our lives.

Some Athiests have a way of mocking those who belive, they even tend to mock Agnostics for even thinking about it.

To this I might argue then, when at the bottom of the barrell is it wrong to hope?

Nothings going to change, nothing ever changes, the world will stay the same and people will die, war will rage and suffering will continue forever. Will it? You don’t know that, you don’t know otherwise. Hope is a rather agnostic kind of pseudo-religious idea. Hopeing there will be something better farther down in time while there is no proof or reason to think that.

Honeslty think for a second, you parents have both been killed you are on your own, perhaps even lost on the street with no government to care for you and all you can think is its all over. You have nothing left, its gone, why on earth would you think otherwise? It’d be idiotic. Does that go the same for religion? Perhaps. Yet, this is why people belive, this why the human race has gotten this far. We have the ability to imagine a better place for us all, the hope to bring us from darkness when thats all thats left, and expect that some day, no matter how long there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, and whether that light is god, or it is just a person holding out there hand to help you, then the human race can rest at peace with one another understanding faith and the lack there of. 

I appreciate anyone who reads this, I don’t really think it’s appropriate to dedicate it to anyone personally, but if you wish to be tagged in anyway for this to be a refrence then let me know. I appreciate those readers who take the time to read it all and comment. I hope my views have shed some light on this subject. Good day.

But most of all I wish I had, something. Just something to live on for, more importantly somebody. Everything a mess and I either caused it or let it happen, is it my fault or is it not? What really matters to me is not the things that should. Is that so wrong? Christ, I’m just a stereotypical damn whine blogger, well fuck it, if I can’t tell anyone else how I feel ill tell my damn self. Nothing cheers me up, nothing makes me happy, I have virtually no friends, no where to go to fix it, and almost no hope, but I have to keep living in this hell whole way better off than most, and I should shut my damn mouth. How about that? Every damn time I just set myself straight.

I can’t even pity myself because I’m too fucking logical to do that.

Shit it is not fun having someone else to tell you everything is ok, instead I just want to be there for someone else, I need the ability to help others, its like crack, only a type of crack that is good for you and the person involved. I need someone else in my life, someone to die for, love, and take care of. Will I get someone like that in the next few year, fuck no, but dammit that’s all I have left to live for.

It is boss.